Kinda confusing sometime, life not meant to be easy but confusing ? This is one thing I can not stand !! Perhaps most of us do too. What on earth am rambling about ?? :D  - emotionaly confused ! That's what it is... things of the past just sometime still trying to bring you back into the past and you kinda enjoy it being there for little while but then you realise that what you are doing and ask yourself : " What is the point of all this ??? " personally, I have no answer to this , therefore it is confusing !!!

Oh yeah...Check My Metamorphosis and My Lastest Pics - I am human... I change and the pictures will tell you my story :) - I say... I am doing marvelous after all... thanks for your guys supports through out my tough time *hugs*

What other issues ? : well... hihihi I am still branded FAT !! :roll: - kinda funny in some way though because some of my friends saying it the loving way =p - and the word that they used are not exactly FAT but more like... chubby, voluptous, and other "cutey" kinda name... although the truth is probably they want to say : FAT heiheihie but too polite to say. I am 160 cm in height and 56 kg in weight !!! How many kilos more do I need to sheds to be call : THIN ?? - do I need to be anorexia first to be called THIN ? is it worth it ? I bet my funky azz IT isn't ! =p

Well maybe by Asian standard I am rather "fat" because most Asian's girls are thin and slender ..... exotic huh ? - so what ! I think if I look back few month back when Dexamethason "help" me to be fat , I was truly FAT , I gained more than 10 kg's :shock: and I had a reason to be like that... I mean I can't help myself at the time to be fat but since the operation, I have been trying my best to recover and eat well for my health and to lose weight. By comparison I am much slender now than few months back ... even then some people taunted me and comment on how fat I was :D - at least I can lose my fat , but those people's stupidity ?? hiehieheieheihe

It is harsh to have some sickness and people taunting you mercilessly - I face it with  jokes and I rather doing that than take it to heart.... but in my own little space my brain kind of being brainwashed onto thinking that YES I am fat , unfortunately I do thinking that way... up until now... and you know what ? I begin to diet like crazy... I would start to eat less and less everyday and taking some diet pills - yes, I did lose some weight but let me tell you the price ... I nearly pass out many times and recently .. I almost got myself a thypoid because I have no energy nor the strength to fight the virus - I woke up with cold sweat and dizziness and vomit blood ! F*ckin' stupid huh ??? Indeed !! All because of people "doesn't mean" to say that I am Fat :) - psychologically it is damaging to comment on someone the same comment over couple of years, I've learned 1st hand that even the strongest would break down and start to think like so when the word they can hear is just IT , in this case is FAT.

I do not want to be Anorexic nor Bulimic !! Anorexia is the most fatal of all psychological illnesses, with mortality rate around 10to 20 % ( often from suicide ). It's the third highest cause of death amongst young women. :shock: - the reason behind Anorexia can be varied, some reason may sound so silly while others so disturbing... but do you know the pattern ? Most of the reason behind someone being Anorexic can be as close as someone who are close to them ... want some example ?? friends, your mum, your sis , your boyfriend... anyone ! Including those glamourous magazine who pictured girls with beautiful outfit and a "coathanger" body - women being considered beautiful and sexy when they thin ?? not everybody think so .... but most , unfortunately :) - including me for some stupid reason :roll: how do you think I got in these stupid mess in the 1st place ?? hehhehehe

I know 1 girl , infact one of my friend, she was a beautiful, vibrant, smart, profesional, etc... she was in control with her own life... until she got a boyfriend :) *punch* - after going out with him for awhile she became more and more thinner and I notice that each time we go out for dinner, she would eat like she use to eat, like a horse and do you know what happen after dinner ? She would rush to the toilet for a good PUKE ! why ? so she can stay thin but eat what she want :shock: - she slipped blanket under her room door because she was afraid that the Fat might crawling in while she was sleeping ... she would cut the meal into small pieces and chew it thousands times !! - she's in the hospital now for kidney failure, her heart slowing, anemic, and she only weigh a mere 27 kg last I checked !! Damm you ! She's 30 yo with 165 cm frame and only 27 kg ??? Get Real !!! - all because her boyfriend keep calling her Fat !! and you know what worst ? she realise her mistake and got rid of her boyfriend but too late for her to turn back ... the damaged is done ! She's on drip and want to kill herself every chance she got :cry: - Bless her soul and may she have the strength to get better and well again - my friend being taken to hell by Anorexia :cry:

I do not want to be like her... but I understand the pressure and understand her emotion.. because I am experiencing it right now - but I am fighting the "demon" - I ain't going to give up .... I have not taking any diet pills and I have good healthy meal 3 x a day and my cheeks slowly getting pink again... I went to my doctor the other day... and stupidly asked her : "how can I lose this weight ?", she said simply : " Go get  new friends " :) - she's my Neurologist :) - cool huh ?

Anyway... I guess I just have to keep on trying... trying to be healthy and simplify my life and enjoying what I've got as well as appreciate it :) - On Monday, I must have my Magnetic Resonance Imagining ( MRI ) scan again to check and see if the little gremlins returning to my brain again or not ... wish me luck !! =p RSCM here I come !! ...those freakin' Contrast injection ain't taste so flash eigh ?? :lol: - darn thang ! =p - will let you guys know the result okay :)

Righto, I blabber enough... drop us a line will you's ?? Ta.

Cheers !!